Working through the details
Well I am feeling a little better about the whole hospice thing now. We have interviewed a couple of them, sought the advise of friends, and selected the provider that gave my grandma the options she wanted. I have also talked to her oncologist and have gotten a better handle on what to expect in regards to the time we may have left. I realize that there are no guarantees and that things can change quickly, but if we are fortunate we may have a year with her.
Last night we sat my oldest son, Aidan, down and explained what was going on. He took it better than I expected, and I was able to hold it together better than I expected to. We cried a little and talked about the blessings that we do have, like knowing that our time is limited how we can make the time we have really special. I have a lot of things that I want to accomplish this year, not all of it will happen and what saddens me is that later I wont have her to share those accomplishments with.
We have opted to wait to work through this with Rowan. He doesn’t have a good concept of time and I don’t think he really understands what death and dying means. To him its what happens in a video game and you just start over, in video games he loves to make his characters jump off cliffs and fall into lava, laughs hysterically Everything is in the moment, I don’t know how it will be handled when it comes. Both my boys are really close to her, and each has a very different relationship with her.
Rowan was the one who would just go sit and do things in her room, just coincide with her. Cuddle in her bed, sit in her lap, just get her to watch what he was doing. She let him just be, total relaxation. I’m a little worried because , although John doesn’t see it or agree with me, he has seemed to pull away from her since she moved out. Part of that is just that he isn’t looking to her for basic needs like he did when she was here. But since I don’t know what is going on in his head, I don’t know if he is scared or afraid of whats going on. He won’t get close to hug or kiss her, and I know she understands, but it has to hurt. She looks different now, and Rowan does well with change for an autistic kid, but its still hard for him. He doesn’t like people to not be there every day. The few times we have traveled with out him, or that my grandma has traveled with out him, he always gives the cold shoulder for awhile when we return. I wonder if he is confused and is doing that to try to get her back. If I could only have a real conversation with him where he could tell me what he is thinking …