Tap Tap Tap

Here I am, writing in this blog again, when I should be writing in this blog. I started out feeling strongly about chronicling Rowans story, and I still feel that way. I blame some of my heel dragging on hating to transcribe my hand written gibberish to clean typed paragraphs, but I know a lot of it is simple mot wanting to analyze of think too deeply about what I did or didn’t see in his early years. I know that Autism is something that is not caused by the parents and all of that, but I still cant seem to get over beating my self up for waiting so long to do something when we had a gut feeling about him long before.

Now I have tried to throw my self into doing something about it, but on one hand I am dragging my feet on getting a “medical diagnosis” (which I can give a variety of reasons for), but on the other hand I feel like a hypocrite with out having it because then there is still some slim chance that we, and the school, and ECI, and his OTs are all wrong and he is just a late bloomer. But I know that’s not true and I have accepted all of this, most of the time. Then I sit on the fence of “curing autism” and all that tripe about “combating autism” and I ask myself what does it mean, what are they really trying to do? What am I trying to do, what is it that i hope for, hope to achieve?

What it boils down to ..( I love that expression – just extract all that is important and reduce the excess to vapors) is that I want Rowan happy. I want to know him who he is and I want him to be able to express what he wants and why. I want him to be able to move through life with out additional burden to being bothered or frightened by everyday things and activities. I want him be able to thrive and pursue what ever it is that strikes him as important. Do I want him to be “normal”, no absolutely not, but then I never felt normal and I don’t consider being normal a very worthwhile pursuit.

I have always been struck by the unusual and extraordinary, I suppose many people are. So why would I want to reduce him to a foul mouthed, video game toting stereo type? I’m rambling again with no real purpose. I guess I will go write and see where it takes me today.