Wondering when I’ll be able to let this day will go by without remembering.
Brandy Lewis – Sent from my Palm Pre
We are on our way!
Brandy Lewis – Sent from my Palm Pre
I’m so sick of competition, of the “do what ever it takes” mentality.
I may be the only person in the world who feels this way, it seems so when I try to explain it to others.
I always strive to do my best, I want those on my metaphoric teams to do well. But I’m not a failure if someone eles does well or even better than I do. Just as I am not a winner when I happen to achieve more than they do.
I understand that every company & every person must seek to improve. I just don’t think that self serving competition that belittles others is the best way to go about it.
I guess I’m still just a freak …
I’d like to shoot the person who started the rumor that online courses are fast, convenient and easy ….
I took this online SAE renewal course and it is the slowest thing since crippled turtles!
Its like sitting very still and watching a single ant cross 100 ft, over and over again
Ugh … next time I’ll just take a real class
This calls for a blog post!
I got a call for a job interview about 2 weeks ago off of my Moster.com resume (which I have kept up and periodically updated for 2+ years now (thank you Casey for teaching me to always be looking)). I had recently revised it, so I guess that helped. Anyways, I got this call and when in to the company’s office (I don’t want to revel any names online, since 1) I haven’t started it yet, and 2) don’t know any of their company policies yet) 2 days later.
I felt I interviewed well at the time, but after the fact I nerves got me and I figured I must have bombed it. Then I got a call asking be to come work with them. I am so excited, from what I can see so far, this company is everything the current company I am at its not is so many ways.
One it is actually growing, and is profitable. Two it is tech savvy and very modern. Three the other people in the office are age-wise closer to being my peers (late 20s to mid 40s) versus the current group that is late 30s to late 50s (some probably older, but I won’t presume). It has been a long time since i have worked with people close to my age, and it doesn’t seem like a big deal, but it really can be.
The other exciting part a about it is I will be actually involved in transactions again, dealing with actual real estate, rather than being totally on the sidelines watching and filing. Granted, I will not be selling, listing, or prospecting, but I will be handling the inner workings and marketing and much more I am sure. One day I hope to go back to selling, but right now its not practical for me. I need a steady income, and some structure. But in this company there is real room to grow and move around, possibly into selling if that’s what I want later.
Wish me luck!
So I have my notice in and one week left to work out my old job (which has already approached me about working every other weekend to help them stay caught up). We announced my resignation at today’s office meeting. The next week is going to be mad with trying to tie loose ends, and train relief workers, create new manuals all the things I do.
Right now at home I am taking my online sae course to renew my license, and will be getting finger printed tomorrow. I cant wait!
In other news – we’ll be leaving in 2 weeks for my granny’s 90th birthday party! It should be a really big event, and I wish I could stay longer, and would have except for that will be the week I start the new job.
The kids last day of school is today and its a little sad because 3 of Rowan’s teachers (1primary teacher, 1 aid and 1 speech teacher) will all be gone next year. Nothing I can do or buy could show these special ladies how much what they have done has meant to us. Next year will be lonely w/o them.
I am missing my Francesca today, this week etc … wishing I had her her to celebrate ………….
Occasionally I figure I aught to write down whats going on in my life since I do have a blog and all …. lol
My brother moved back to Houston and is living in my garage, I guess its a good thing I have a garage. He has been a lot of fun to have around, more actually than I expected. To tell the truth when he last left Houston he was still in that kinda angst teenager mode. I loved him, but we’d spat occasionally. Since I think we have both learned to curb out tongues and give each other space and the right to opinions different from our own. Anyways I think we have become closer than we ever have before since he moved back.
Since he’s been here he has diligently been looking for work and pining for a car. For now we are putting thoughts of a car on hold till he can get some debt paid down, but he has started a job making a buck fifty less than me, and more hours pushing carts a Home Depot. He started Thursday before last, and 6 days into it he because ill. He had been complaining of a headache for a few days, and chills. I figured a cold, flu bug thing. Finally though he came home early sick and I took him to the doctors. After looking him over she pulled me aside and said she didn’t want to scare us but he needed to go to the ER and have them run some tests on him. She thought it might be bacterial meningitis.
We went in and he ended up being admitted for 4 days. They ran all kinds of tests, CT brain scans, xrays of his lungs spine, spinal tap, blood work out the yin yang. They hooked him up to tons of fluids (severely dehydrated), and antibiotics. We saw a infectious disease doctor, all kinds of stuff. After all was said and done, they decided it was viral meningitis, because the bacterial meningitis, mono, step and aids test all came back negative. He was discharged and released for work. The hospital bill is astronomical and we were still left feeling vaguely unsatisfied with the treatment and the answers.
One thing I wonder is why they did an AIDS test. The first doctor at the hospital to look at him did the spinal tap. There was a weird moment where he looked at his back (where he had gotten a tattoo of a start that was filled with a rainbow) and then he asked him about the tattoo. It was right on the spot they were doing the tap. At one point before he did it the doctor jumped up with out saying anything and left the room. He came back and after the fact the nurse asked him why he left so suddenly without saying anything. He said he had just remembered he need to help someone with a chart. It sounded like bullshit to me. We saw that doctor briefly one or two more times before we were moved to the room from the ER.
Then as we asking the primary doctor he had gotten on the new floor question before he was to be discharged it came out that they had tested for AIDS. All we had been told was that everything came up clear. So I asked what exactly did you test for, He told me bacterial meningitis, mono, step and some other things. I asked what else. Then he said AIDS. I wish I had asked why now. I don’t recall it ever being mentioned previously or that we gave any consent to do so. Maybe it was just a precaution that always do, but the way it was handled left a bad taste in my mouth. Just the way he was reluctant to tell us that they had tested for it.
Jan 21 2008 – It was a Bach support group night tonight. Aidan still maintains that it is his favorite place to go, despite the fact he never received therapy there, only Rowan. Maybe that is why, a slight bit of jealousy? Not overly but nonetheless its there. It was mainly an open discuss night. I wasn’t feeling to extroverted or forceful tonight so I didn’t say too much. It’s funny how I can be extremely extroverted some time but not others. We had a list of questions we were working off, but we didn’t get very far down them. I though it would be a good starting point for a blog entry.
1 -When did you realize something was wrong?
Maybe I am getting to hung up on semantics but I still don’t think something it “wrong”, different yes, wrong yes. But to answer the question and be really honest with myself, I didn’t realize it till it was point blank pointed out to me by my sister-in-law’s mother-in-law (who is a special needs teacher) right before he turned 2. It took a while to sink in and actually get services started. In hindsight I see where I should have seen it coming, but I guess I really didn’t. First of all no parent wants to look for something to be wrong with their child, second of all, when you have 2 children you worry about comparing them. So I was so busy telling myself that kids are different and are suppose to be different that I forgot that different is not always good, sometime its warning signs.
2 – What was your reaction when your child was finally diagnosed?
Well that’s easy to answer because we just finally got that. A little bit of relief to finally have it in writing, but mostly residual frustration and confusion. Where do we go from here, there is not road map and no expert but us to show the way.
3- What resources did you find most helpful? Least helpful?
There has been a lot of websites, blogs and forums that have been helpful on many levels, but there is also a lot of negativity and misinformation, bias opinion touted as fact out there to be wary of as vulnerable newly diagnosed parent. However outside of anything web based the best resources I have found by far has been BACH and other parents. Nothing else comes close to a living breathing person who has been there and is positive. BACH has been a lifeline. I can always relate and touch base there and I know that no matter how old Rowan gets they will always support me, even if he isn’t receiving treatment from them.
4- How has your life changed?
In reality, not much. Emotionally I have a lot of guilty (although I know its unrealistic) feelings about not realizing it sooner, of expecting too much of Aidan, not as much from Rowan, feeling like I never do enough for them all. But really, I think I would have that anyways, some portion of that is just my personality. On the outside, we are aware of certain things now so we mold our life subtly around those things. For example, Rowan has sensory issues so we do a lot of heavy rough play, and work on his little issues in our everyday life. Potty training is more difficult, manners less stressed. Ultimately our life goals and family goals are the same, the things we do along the way just may be different.
5- How has your family’s life changed?
As for immediate family, it’s hard to say since we only had 16 months with Aidan before Rowan came along. Your life moves and changes as you go so subtly, you don’t realize until later that it has changed. I could speculate how we would have been had we had 2 nt kids, but its just speculation. It took a little doing to convince John that there was anything there, and way more to convince my grandmother. But now it’s just a part of our life. As for the rest of the extended family, most everyone is understanding and somewhat sympathetic, I guess, if that’s the right word for it. I’m not sure they all really understand what autism is, but they adore Rowan and relate well with him.
6- How has your marriage changed?
I guess I am just really fortunate, but I don’t think my marriage has changed at all. Once John figured what I was saying has some validity to it he has been just as active and supportive as I am. I’ve heard of horror stories of other families where that’s not the case and I read somewhere that the divorcé rate in families with autistic children is something ridiculous like 50%.
7- What are your fears? Hopes? Dreams?
I try not to dwell too much on the further, and just live it one day at a time. Making little goal and meeting those before setting the next. But my real fears are things like, what if Rowan is never able to hold a conversation? How will he be able to be independent? Will his brother always have to be his guide and protector? Will Aidan resent Rowan and us for the way things are? I fear not doing enough for both of them, or doing things wrong. I hope that Rowan will learn to fully communicate and we can have conversations about what he thinks and feel. I hope that he will be able to understand how others feel. I hope he can be fully independent and successful at something he cares about passionately, like music or whatever it maybe.. Regardless to whether it is monetarily lucrative. I hope to have another child, no matter whether it is a girl or a boy, nt or not. I dream of having both my boys in college doing fabulously well studying something they have a real lust for.
8- What is the hardest part of having a child who is diagnosed with autism?
A lack of answers and facts. So much of autism is guess work and trial and error. If you have an infection they give you antibiotics, if you break an arm, they give you a cast. Sometimes it seems with autism they give you a smile, a paper and pat on your ass as you leave. All thing things he does, the symptoms, sure they are challenging at times, but that doesn’t bother me so much. I am only terrified of that I should know something I don’t that could help him.
9- What is the best part?
Rowan is his own person, totally genuine and unpretentious. I don’t think that will ever change and I sure hope to god it doesn’t! He has always been a generally happy little guy, content to himself and totally engrossed in what ever he is doing. That ability to focus on what he likes and is doing in the moment, if channeled correctly could serve him well later in life. He sees things differently and I wish I could see from his perspective.
10- If you had it to do over what would you do differently?
Shoulda, coulda, woulda’s wont get you far, but to pass on to others … I would have listened to my gut and done something sooner. I would have been more informed on childhood development so I would have recognized he wasn’t where he should have been and started asking questions. I let too much time pass dragging my feet thinking I was paranoid and being a hypochondriac mother. I would have gotten a medical diagnosis sooner too, because it opens doors that are harder to get in without that slip of paper. I would have worked harder to prompt him to do for himself, to ask for things instead of just trying to anticipate his needs and wishes.
11- What about your relationship with friends and parents, and how have they changed?
My parents (mom & dad) I don’t think they get it, but since neither is around much it doesn’t really matter. My grandmother is protective and supportive, but often sees things that aren’t really there, passing off things like oh he’s just fine on this and that, when he’s not. John’s dad is supportive, but doesn’t really understand very much. But relationships between them and us haven’t really changed. As for friends for the most part things go on as they did before. Sometimes people will say things like, I don’t know how you do it I could handle that. I hate it when people are all feeling sorry for us like we have a sick child or something. Our life is really not that hard or different that any other family with 2 kids. Our biggest problems stem from things that have nothing whatsoever to do with autism. The only thing I cab say about our relationship with our friends that has changed is it’s not as easy to talk to them about the kids. Even the ones that have kids just don’t understand the way a parent who has an autistic or at least a special needs child does. The last thing I want is sympathy, the way I see it there is nothing to feel sorry for us about. It would be like saying I’m sorry your son was born, and I am not sorry he was born or that he is autistic. Its part of who he is, it is not who he is, and it makes him different, not broken or sick. He will live a happy and full life, we just don’t know or understand the details yet.
12- Where do you go for support? Who provides the most support?
Again, BACH has been the greatest support by far and all the people there from OTs, volunteers etc., Mendy, Dana, Monica, Dee … everyone has been wonderful. Since Rowan moved to his new school the support there has been great too. They do a wonderful job keeping us informed and involved. But closer to home, my grandmother is invaluable in her encouragement and soothing presence with both the boys and us.
13- How do you feel about your child’s current level of functioning?
He is not where he should be, but I fear I have handicapped him by allowing him to lean on us when he could do many things with more prompting and support. I have allowed him to be babied and I have to stop. Right now he still is not spontaneously communicating very much and is not potty trained, those are things I want to work with him on. We are working on telling people with a prompt his name and age. I also what to work more on his self help skills like dressing, brushing teeth, using utensils, blowing his nose.
14- Describe a vivid memory or experience with your child that other parents of children with autism could relate to.
Where to begin there are so many. As a baby Rowan hated the car seat so much that he screamed and cried himself into hysterics each and every time we put him into it, well past the age a baby should out grow it … like 6+ months. We got use to it; there was little we could do about it. But of course we had a nosy neighbor who made it her business to question me about him. I’ll never forget her accusing tone when she asked me if he was OK, really OK? As if I had done something to him to cause the cries every time we walked to the car.
Also as a baby he hated baths, as some do when they are infants. But he didn’t out grow it; it only seemed to get worse as he got older. Feeling like a bad mom I would let more and more time pass between baths because I just couldn’t take the hysterics that were involved in trying to clean him. Even at 1-½ years old it took literally one person to hold him somewhat still and anther to try to clean him as quickly as possible. It was awful, the tears, sobs, heavy breathing and the look of desperation, betrayal, terror as if we were actually hurting him. I’ll never forget that as long as I live. To work him through it we tried at different times different things. Once I took him with both of us in bathing suits to sit in the tub with only a few inches of water. We lasted maybe 15 minutes before I gave up because he was so upset. We had a couple of moments that were OK, but it he wasn’t ready yet. Both John and I tried that a few times, till one day John took him and stayed in the bath for like an hour or more till Rowan really began to enjoy it. He was around 18 months old and that was our first really big break through, and our biggest to this day. Back them we didn’t even have a clue he was autistic. Now he loves water and baths, though we have had water issues we still had to work through, like water in the face and pools. He still has some issues regarding water, but nothing we can’t handle with time.
In essence Rowan being autistic doesn’t really change much for us, any more than my being a vegetarian does. He is still the same boy he was before we had a diagnosis, and it just fits into our life. I’m not trying to downplay its significance, but I feel like it’s a handicap only if you let it and are too negative about it. Just like anything you can’t let it eat you alive. I try to let him and everyone around him know that he is normal, different in some ways, but normal. I mean what the hell is normal? Its what ever you think it is, so is he. I want him to know that he has to learn some things that are hard for him, but there will always be things that are hard no matter who you are.
X-posted in thelittleelephantintheroom.wordpress.com
X-posted in superbabies.blogspot.com
The more and more I read about autism the more I hear about “the search for a cure” and every time it makes me sick to my stomach at the thought. Cure? For what? I cant classify ASD so easily as bad, wrong, evil to be eradicated, or an “illness” exactly to need a cure. Yes there are things that are difficult because autism, but what exactly are we trying to “cure”? The symptoms, like stimming? They are most often coping mechanisms or leaning mechanisms -such as if they have sensory processing disorders as many do and the stimming type behavior is actually helping their bodies to learn to process the sensory input.
I guess what I am trying to say is what are we trying to change – my son is different, but it is those differences,as much as his blue eyes, blond hair that makes him who he is. There is no way the world would be a better lace with out him or other like him, they are a different, but also an important part of this world we live in.
I am a supporter of autism research and early screening, because there are a host of problems that go along with autism, and the whole picture need so be understood. The difference is that i don’t want a cure, I want a solution to learning how to understand and bond with my son, and help him to understand and bond with others.
Parents and children with autism need help, support, and resources not a magic “cure” bluuuh!
javaverses
